I am a skinny bitch.
I’ve been thin my whole life. There have been times when I’ve hated this title and instances that being called a skinny bitch gave me a little jolt of confidence, too. But these days, I loathe it.
During almost any point in my childhood, while trying on clothes for my mother (to see what I’d outgrown or what items I may need), she’d invariably say, “Theresa, you are so slight.”
My mother never said this to make me feel bad and I truly didn’t mind. She was right, I was thin. I didn’t care very much about it. I was how I was. I just wanted to stop trying on clothes so I could go out and play.
In middle school I became more self-conscious about my weight. The girls would say out of meanness, “Theresa, you’re so skinny.”
I understood that I was not a good skinny. I felt bad about my body. I was a toothpick, not a curve in sight. All bones and no meat. That growth spurt was difficult to live through. I would have given anything for a little heft. I was embarrassed about how I looked, but wasn’t everyone at that age?
Well, of course when I stopped growing so quickly, I gained some weight. I survived high school and college, and managed to feel pretty good about myself.
In my twenties, being a skinny bitch became an inside joke between a few friends and I. They were a little on the heavy side and liked to sarcastically call me that… at least I think it was sarcasm. I thought it was a funny joke and I liked the title. I liked my body and how I looked, never mind that eating at restaurants always upset my stomach. I tried to keep the fact that my digestive tract wasn’t working properly a secret. I looked thin and normal, but was totally unhealthy.
I had a great body image (and practically non-functioning guts) from then until…. I started SCD. (If you don’t know what SCD is, check this out). I made a HUGE MISTAKE and remained on the intro diet for almost a month. I lost more than ten pounds. The weight melted away. I looked more angular and bony and didn’t know what to do. I lost it so fast that it scared me.
My activity level also took a hit. I’ve always been an active person, but when I began SCD, I had no energy. I quit pilates. I stopped biking to work and began driving. In fact, I barely had enough energy to go to work.
Skeletal with zero energy.
I tried to hide my weight loss. I started dressing differently for work. I wore layers and baggy clothes, but my coworkers still noticed (even my face got thinner). They started commenting about my weight and asking me how SCD was going. They were suspicious of this medical diet. They wondered if I’d developed an eating disorder (which really pissed me off).
My ‘Intro Diet Fiasco’ was seven months ago, but lately, one of my neighbors has brought it upon himself to tell me that I’m getting too skinny. Good lord. As if I needed his opinion. And I thought that I haven’t looked better in months!
Thankfully my husband, family and friends were and are supportive. This has been a huge help to me on my SCD journey.
Now I find myself in the opposite position from where I was in my twenties; these days I’m getting healthy on the inside, but am too skinny on the outside. People don’t understand this concept. They think if you look good, then you are good. Those of us on SCD know that this is not true.
Currently, I am building momentum. I’m not in such a bad place anymore. My energy level has been great for months. Occasionally I go on walks or hikes. I have more variety in my diet with each passing week. I’m slowly gaining weight as I’m getting healthier. And about my clothes; most of my pants are still a bit too large, but I wear a belt (I refuse to buy a whole new set of business-appropriate work attire because I will gain the weight back some day. Besides, I like my current wardrobe, or at least I did when it fit…). And hey, my shoe size didn’t change. I can still wear all of the cute shoes and boots that I want!
Insults from jerks are difficult to deal with; comments from well-meaning people are often really hard to take, but I can deal with both types. You may think I’m not healthy, that I’m too skinny, but looks can be deceiving.
You have no idea what is really happening; it is called healing.
Let me know if you have had a similar experience while on SCD. I’d love to hear about it.
Theresa, SCD Griddle